Of Homosexuality and Fatness – A Poem for Pride Season

Of Homosexuality and Fatness – A Poem for Pride Season

I wrote this a few months ago with the intention of performing it one day. I’ve never got around to performing it, and with it being Pride season, I thought it was important that this got shared. This is a performance piece about my experience being gay and fat. Happy Pride season everyone! 

This is a story about being self aware
Not the kind of aware like “Hey! I’m standing here!”
but more the kind where your imperfections shine out of you
like inappropriate lighthouse beams
alerting people to your rocky and weird terrain
“Don’t crash your ships here guys!”
But like a deadly siren my voice just calls people to their death of morbid curiosity

lottie lamour-pride 2018-lesbian-lgbt-plus size fashion blogger

I know I feel weird
Not weird as in queer but queer as in I sleep with women
but also weird as in I stand out
like the sorest thumb, on the biggest hand, attached to the largest person in the room with Pride and fatness
Me, I, her, that awkward obtuse angle
no, angel actually
I shine luminous purple because I’m odd
but odd is brilliance and brilliance is what we strive for, right?

I’ve often felt like I just don’t fit in
Like, you know how cats turn into liquid so the vessel they can fit in
but not me, I’m no feline
however I do purr
when I feel fine

But feeling fine is rare some days, when you realise the rays
that escape your luminous skin
are still calling ships in and there’s a pile up on the horizon
of gawping and gawking because “hey dude come see this weirdly shaped lighthouse, I wonder what’s inside!”
Sometimes I think I’m getting somewhere
the burden of weird feels less
and I’m achieving success in the fields I want to roam in
I look around me and think “maybe I DO belong here, I’ve sure as hell have put the work in?”
and for a fleeting five fucks I feel fantastic

lottie lamour-pride 2018-lesbian-lgbt-plus size fashion bloggeruntil I realise that they were the last fucks I had to give
and I remember what pity is

What a pity she isn’t pretty enough to do the things we can do
A pity laugh in a pity party made just for me, not you
The thing is

I’m starting to be more comfortable with it
The old lighthouse is getting a lick of paint and I’m sharpening the rocks because
if this is painful for me it’s about to get a whole lot more sharp for you

Time to remove that tired old bulb
there’s some pirate boats to smash
and although it might be late, that bulb I replaced is happy that I’m just being brighter these days
That’s all she ever wanted
The fat, gay girl dancing with Pride.

 

If you enjoyed this, please check out this post on being a fat girl and a lesbian.

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