This is going to be a bit of an unpopular opinion kind of post based on my own personal experiences, so apologies if what you read here is offensive to your own personal journey – I write from the heart and from my own truths, so I will continue to do so here.
Finding love when you are plus sized is hard. There. I said it. Or at least it was for me. Most potential partners tend to either fetishise your size or want you for only one thing (helloooooo big ass/big boobs!) or just look straight past you… Which I suppose makes them not potential partners but you know what I mean.
When I hated my body, it was even worse. My lack of self confidence made it really hard to find love and I often fell into the trap of just going for anyone who showed interest in me – a dangerous tactic which lead to some hairy situations but that’s a story for another time. I also factored in the fact that I am gay. Now as I mentioned in THIS POST, it appeared to me that most lesbians were athletic and ripped and if you were any less than that, you wouldn’t get a look in.
In actual fact, I was just sabotaging myself. I’d go out on nights out to the gay scene and feel completely on edge. A number of times I was actually told that I shouldn’t be at the gay scene because I looked ‘too straight’. Yes that’s right, a community who are so used to being pigeon-holed into a particular stereotype were further solidifying that stereotype by applying it to little old femme me. I’d either have to be pretty drunk to dance and give zero fucks that people were standing around me and laughing (yes, that happened a few times, thanks dickhead lesbians of Nottingham) or I would just sit on the sidelines and not bother mingling in. It makes me laugh that the Nottingham gay scene is all but dead nowadays – I wonder if that’s to do with the disgusting attitude of most gay people I encountered…
So like any other woman looking for love, I turned to the internet. I am not ashamed to say that I was a part of pretty much any lesbian exclusive and general dating website there was going. I wrote about myself in a cocky-yet-charming manner, put up flattering photos of myself and got talking to anyone who would listen to me. I created a persona online that I had zero ability to do so in person. Or at least I thought. So I started going on dates – I met women from outside of Nottingham and I forged some pretty successful one-night-stands and even some pretty long lasting relationships. I found it easy to carry on my online persona when meeting up with these women – mostly because I didn’t want to disappoint but also because I guess I had started to believe what I was writing about myself was true. I wasn’t a loser who gets laughed at by her own community, I was a beautiful, funny, intelligent and attractive woman that was capable of being desirable to others.
And so my online journey lead me to my current and AMAZING partner of 3 years, Emma. Without the confidence boosts of meeting women just like me, who found me attractive and who desired me, I don’t think I would have found Emma. And without Emma, I don’t think I would be sat here writing this. You see, Emma compliments me daily. She tells me she loves me regularly. She inspires me to write, to do better and to strive for more. Emma is the person who has made me into a better woman, a better lover, a better human. If you’d have asked Lottie-From-The-Past if I would be sat here writing this about another person, she would have slapped you right round the face. I never knew love like this existed before.
But why didn’t I know that? Because I’d spent years convincing myself that this kind of love was a fantasy portrayed to us in the movies. That this was yet another social ideal that was unattainable to me as a fat, gay woman. I’d convinced myself that I was not worthy of being loved, that no one would ever bother loving a fat woman like me because I repulsed myself, how the hell was anyone else going to love me? Once I had started to clear my brain of that negativity by slowly taking more and more risks, by surrounding myself with positivity and love, I found that I was starting to give less fucks about what others thought about me. I was starting to create the most important relationship that I have ever formed – the relationship between me and my body. If you begin to think positively about yourself, you put less pressure on yourself. Your positivity begins to shine through and you become desirable to yourself – and guess what – to others too.
Life as a fat woman is not all heartbreak and loneliness, believe me. If you are feeling lonely or you feel like there’s no romantic opportunities for you, hold on. You will find someone who looks at you and sees everything they have ever wanted in a person. They will light up your life and allow you to be you – they won’t attempt to change you or make you different, they will allow you to grow and be the person that YOU want to be.
There is life after loneliness. Keep on keeping on. <3