Self Help – What to do When People are Talking About You Behind Your Back

lottie-lamour-what-to-do-when-people-are-talking-about-you-behind-your-back-plus-size-blogger

***This post will be very wordy – make sure you have a cup of tea! If you’re here for fashion stuff, take a look at these posts instead – Elvi Skirt / Designer Sunglasses / Bright dresses***

Recently, I’ve been talked about a lot. Not to my face, and not in a nice way. I wrote some very strong words about a certain brand that I and a lot of other people I care about had a bad experience with and their new publicity stunt. I’ve been quite vocal about this particular issue in the past on my social media channels so this is not a new thing for me to do and anyone that knows me outside of the blogosphere knows how opinionated I can be (aka loud mouthed Northerner).

Now, whenever I have an opinion, I express it on an open place – my Facebook is open, my Twitter account is open, this here blog is open – because I feel it’s important for people to be able to discuss what I’m saying and respond should they feel I’m wrong. I love a good old chin wag and debate about things, it helps us all learn things from each other and helps us become well rounded people (just like cakes helps me become well rounded – but that’s a different, much more delicious story). Unfortunately, someone I had on my friends list decided to screen shot my piece and move it to a forum to be discussed outside of my eye line. Thankfully, another one of my friends that was in this group told me all about it and I was able to see, take screenshots and respond making sure I said how gorgeous they all looked and that my upset was not with them, but with the brand, before I was booted from the group and the group was made closed. I also noted that the admins of the group were the brand that I had spoken about, and that a further 8 people from my friends list were in that group.

A couple of things initially hurt – why would my “friends” in that group that were silent not stick up for me? Why would they not tell me that I was being talked about? Perhaps they didn’t see the status aimed at me that many people in the group were actively posting on. Maybe they had their notifications for that group turned off. Who knows? It was interesting to see, however. I’m reading a book at the moment that is all about remembering how much of a badass you are in times where people try and dull your worth and one quote from that book really sticks out in my mind:

“Watching someone else totally go for it can be incredibly upsetting to the person who’s spent a lifetime building a solid case for why them themselves cannot.”

Now okay, that’s a very broad life-affirming quote but hear me out here – of course there will be people that attended the publicity stunt that will say bad things about the opinion I have. It’s one that is radically different to the one they have about the whole thing because they are emotionally invested in it. Each person would have got something different out of that day – some positive, some negative. Those that have attached positive thoughts to the process are not ready to see that there is a different side to the story. It’s also human nature to feel personally upset if someone points out that something you invested yourself in and gained from positively is actually not all that it seems. Unfortunately, that also leads to people saying personal, negative things back in retaliation which is what happened and continues to happen in this scenario.

The real trick is changing how you handle knowing about that information. Rewind a few years and I probably would have had a little bit of a cry and took to heart the negative things people are saying about me. That’s the wrong thing to do though – it’s very easy to get into a spiral of upset when you find out people are being mean about you behind your back – but life is not for being hurt by people who don’t know anything about you, nor your motives for your opinions being written so publicly. Being a blogger, I knew I would have to grow a thick skin if I wanted to make something of myself and put myself in a public arena and it’s something I’ve also applied to my everyday life. Sometimes, I will do something that some people will not agree with. But I do it because I won’t be the only person that feels that way, much like being a confident fat woman in a society that favours thinner women – I speak up because I don’t want anyone to feel alone or undervalued or unheard. I just accept the situation, remember that people have different ways of handling information, remember that not everyone will agree with that information, and then I move on.

I’m going through that process right now – the process of accepting the situation and moving on can be instant, or it can take a little while to happen. For every person who has said something negative, I’ve had at least two others that have come out in support of me. I’ve allowed people who felt the same as me to feel confident enough to tell their story about their day, and that is the main thing. I’d love for this particular scenario to end in a positive light, but who knows how it will end? Who knows if it even will end or just continue to evolve? But for all situations like this, just remember – everyone is different, it’s part of life’s rich tapestry. What matters is how you decide to process it. There might not ever be a definite resolution, but there will almost always be a lesson to learn – you just have to look for it. It’s okay to be radical and speak out and that’s the one thing to remember. Be a rule breaker, you little rebel!

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Plus-size, body positive, feminist, lesbian - ME. Lives in London, has a Nottingham heart.

13 thoughts on “Self Help – What to do When People are Talking About You Behind Your Back

  1. AMEN! I’ve seen the odd snippet of snark directed my way but I’m honestly not even entertaining it. Bitches wanna talk, let them talk! You handled the group sitch in such a classy way, total admiration.

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  2. Lottie, I love your opinions. Whether I agree with some or not I love that you speak up. I didn’t really take much notice of what was going on but what I did see I didn’t like. As much as they were allowed their opinions on the day and brand you were allowed yours. Can’t wait to see you Thursday xxx

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  3. You’re totally right when you say people are emotionally invested in something they can become defensive. I guess the issue here is that they have taken your comments personally rather than seeing them as a dig at the brand involved. Then their own fight or flight reflex has kicked in and the talons have come out! It doesn’t make it acceptable but maybe that’s why. It’s such a shame to see the community fighting amongst themselves but I guess with so many bad-ass women and different opinions there’s going to be the occasional spark! I don’t think that’s a reason not to carry on sharing your opinion. I guess people just need to try and address things openly rather than behind your back! You are fabulous! This storm will pass. Xxx

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  4. Alas, it is my experience that if someone, anyone, is going to behave inappropriately on your social media channels, it’ll be someone close to you. Non-blogging friends don’t understand the potential ramifications of their behaviour. It’s why I’ve never encouraged friends or relatives to follow my blogging activities. Best of luck with your scenario, I hope there are no lasting difficulties.

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  5. So very true. There are always people that are going to talk behind your back. I had it happening a lot to me in high school and there were so many rumor spread that I lost count. But I usually just disregarded them and “enjoyed” hearing what an interesting life I’m supposedly living. Some comments stung while others were just ridiculous. Don’t take it to serious what other are saying behind your back. Everyone has their opinion and sadly only a few have the guts to take a direct route in communicating this opinion. Stick to your guns and be true to yourself!

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  6. I love your outlook on this situation and completely agree it’s all about perspective. You can choose to let others negative words and opinions bring you down or you can remember that at the end of the day misery loves company and you can choose not to partake in it. Just keep doing your thing and always being honest and don’t worry about what people say. Great post! 🙂

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  7. I so very much appreciate the fact that you always speak up, because you “don’t want anyone to feel alone or undervalued or unheard”. This shows courage, and strength of character. And it’s one of the many reasons I adore you more every day lovely woman!

    http://www.curvesandcurl.co.uk

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  8. Good for you for knowing your mind and speaking it. I wouldn’t be too hard on your friends – if they weren’t actively participating, they probably didn’t even realize it was happening.

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  9. I’m sure there’s an old saying about it being better to be talked about than not talked about – hold your head up and ignore. Be proud of letting your voice be heard, you are so much more powerful and braver for doing that.

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  10. This is going to be an essay im so sorry, really sorry. I hope you dont mind!

    I was selected as one of the girls for the shoot and though I’d be getting an amazing day with other like minded women. It should have been fun, great, fantastic! But damn was I wrong.

    I am a farmer, I work in overalls (Mostly covered in poo) and rigger boots, so heels and dresses really aren’t my thing, but I thought I’d put myself out there. My boyfriend told me to go for it, he was really proud. I got selected and boom we were off to London. So I’ll cut to the chase and tell you about the day;

    I arrived about half 7, I’d already done my makeup before arrival so checked in, and went to get my hair done, that was pretty speedy I was waiting all of 10 minutes. Went up to see my outfits and I must admit I hated both of them, but this lovely lady changed 1 outfit for me, and I just got on with the other 1.

    There were 2 staff members I couldn’t fault, although I can’t remember their names they were both so helpful! They made the day just little bit better.

    From there the days just lost its glamour for me, we were told studio 1 would open at half 8, it didn’t. It opened at 11, communication was rubbish and from there I wished I was at home. From 11-1pm it was a total whirlwind, moving from one location to another and getting everything done.

    Changed into outfit two, to find out some girls had been waiting 3 hours for makeup, because only 6/14 MUA’s had turned up! By about 3pm I had already done both outfits and changed back to my comfy clothes, I was starving hungry and thirsty.

    Food had been provided but most of it was eaten by the time I got back and the water was gone too, I was told there was a café opened for us around the corner, but it had closed at 1. Nobody had even told me, only a select few of the girls seemed to know. I texted my boyfriend and I left early, honest to god it wasn’t worth waiting for cake and prosecco.

    I found the majority of the girls lovely, couldn’t fault them they were sweet and just wanted a fun day like me, but some of them were complete cowbags, and took the limelight and the focus was on them, and I’m betting one of those will ‘win’.

    Oh and whilst I’m thinking about it; because the MUAs were unpaid, they asked the girls to donate money for them! Why should we pay? We’ve spent money getting to London and the hotel and the stuff we needed to bring! For want of a better term, it pissed me off.

    I wasn’t treated like a VIP, I felt used. I didn’t want to post on the page as I didn’t want to ruin the day and the memory for other girls, but I think you’ll appreciate my opinion.

    Sorry again for the mini essay, I just wanted to get my point across.

    The girls just got overly defensive and took everything you said to heart, they just need to grow some balls realise you weren’t attacking them personally and move on. On the group you’re not allowed to have a different opinion or you’re just ‘negative’ and ‘rude’. The Lass who defended you got so much thrown at her, for defending you that i defended her.

    Women are supposed to empower each other, not rip each other down for having different opinions.

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    1. My sweet lovely, thank you so so much for getting in contact to tell your side of the story. You’re not the only person to have had the same kind of experience as that and a number of other girls have reached out to me to tell me the same as you – so please don’t feel that you are alone. It sounds as though some ladies in the group are scared to rock the boat so are sticking to the positive outlook on the day so hard that they fail to see people had a bad experience, which is a shame. Thank you so much for defending the lovely lady that also looked after me in there – it takes a lot to go up against that kind of abuse! Feel free to drop me an email or find me on twitter/facebook and we can have a chat! Lottie xx

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